So Beautiful......... So Brief......

I made it out alive!  In fact I have to take back my biohazard comment from the previous blog.  It was not so much a health issue as it was a jumble sale.  All I really had to do was get control of the drawers, wardrobe and the clothing covering every square inch of the rest of the room and it was all good. 

I managed to find my missing laundry (in the bottom of the cupboard, still in the laundry hamper!!! Covered by jumble sale) It was mostly underwear and I just kept thinking I know I have more 'dainty items' (if size 16 has ever been called dainty??) they must be somewhere?  Perhaps the washing machine is eating them again?  Damn washing machines with their eating disorders!!!  But no!  There they were.

I also found my Kathmandu toilet bag, loaned once, not seen since.  I found my black slip dress that she swore had been returned to me.  It must have been that time I was hiding out in her bottom drawer, when she gave it back to me???! 

Anyway, the room is pristine!  It even smells different.  I can enjoy it....... until Sunday.

I May Not Make It Out Alive....

My plans tomorrow involve getting stuck into the biohazard at the end of the hallway.  Alex is away and I need to get in there and empty the room of the last 6 months of accumulated junk.  If I don't blog within the next 2 weeks, please call the authorities.  I am home alone until Friday and the last thing I want to happen is that I qualify for a stint on the TV show "I Shouldn't Be Alive!"

If they decide to use actors because I am too traumatized from my experience, could I please have Kate Winslet play me?  I think she could pull of the accent??  Oh and also she looks just like me.

Curse You Starring Boy!

You may have read an earlier entry about the starring boy?  He spent quite a bit of time in the past 18 months staring at my daughter and NOW he has joined rowing.

In itself, this would have been okay had he not failed to grow past the brain power of a 5 year old boy who gets a girls attention by pulling her hair or kicking her.  The starring boy who we shall call Liam (mainly because that is his name!) has been being particularly unpleasant to Alex since joining rowing.
I don't for one minute imagine he stood at the dairy on a regular basis going-
"hmmm, that girl is so revolting I will stare a bit longer"
or
"hmmm, I think I will be stalker-ish and join the sport I know she does so that I can stare at her ugliness"
or
"hmmm, I bet if I tell her she is an ugly pig, she will give me some attention"

I now need to revisit the starring boy on my blog because HE SENT A VERY UNPLEASANT TEXT TO MY DAUGHTER!!

This in itself provided quite a large amount of reinforcement that not only has he not matured enough to figure a way to get a girls attention but he also cannot recognise that she is not a 'black pig' nor is she 'ugly' and to use the 'f' word twice within a 13 word text clearly indicates that he does not have a particularly strong nor eloquent grasp on the English language.   It would also be helpful if someone could take him aside and teach him the difference between 'your' and 'you're'.

I would volunteer and perhaps I will discuss the finer points of an apostrophe with him at some stage as I am biding my time for the next time I see him waiting outside the dairy.  I will be hopping out of my car and I will be having a chat.  It will have loosely veiled threats and enough sarcasm to ice a cake but I will leave him with no doubt that if you take on one of us, you get ALL of us!

I might even poke him in his starring eye!

Bugger This! I'm Back

I'll take my chances.  Only McCauley Culkin (however it is spelt???) has enough money to divorce parents!
I miss my blog!
I miss my mocking!
I miss the person from Wanganui that checked my blog more than I did!

I'm back and I have 3 months worth of funny stuff waiting for you.

Tell your friends.  Tell your workmates.  Tell people in Wanganui!

Teenagehell is back and its got NO BETTER!  (hmmm not really the line I was going for....) 

SPRUNG!!!

It has been a while since I blogged.  I am now a reluctant participant because my blog was revealed!!  I am not sure who, where, how??? but I will find out!!!

It began one evening, close to a month ago.  Alex was sitting in one of our huge, huggy, smothering armchairs.  I walked in and she barely glanced up.  Nothing new there!!  I moved about the room and made inane conversation.  Occasionally she looked up but no REAL reaction.

"What you doing?"  As she looked up from the ipad, must be on some new app, I blindly thought. No answer.  She returned to her toil.  About 3/4  of an hour later, I returned.

"What ARE you doing?"

"Reading your blog, Mum!!!!!"


"Ooouuuuuoohhhhh?"

"  funny........... huh?"   I questions, hopefully.

"No!"  Very definate reply!

"Why not??"  vaguely whiney voice- mind that screams "oh SHIT!  What did I say?????"

"You mocked me, Mum"

" Oh come on!  Its funny!"

"No, its not!!!!"

"You know, Kate says we can make a book out of a blog..... when you're older you will think this kind of record is cool"

"you mocked me, Mum!"

"Yeah, but I mocked me too?" 

She went to her room, then went to sleep for the night.  The blog has not been mentioned since and hence, my reluctance to revisit my formally therapeutic, parental outlet.

Yes, I mock.  However, I believe it is about 50/50- her and me.

Oh,  this is funny, funny stuff!! Why didn't I have heaps of kids?  

Damn You Auto Correct.

Since the drivers license this new found freedom has been embraced and Alex heads off without my having to run around after her (or get up at the crack of dawn)  part of me loves it.  The other part hates every moment!  I want control!  I accept that I need to  attend Control Freaks Anonymous, but I still want it!!

I have tried to remind (nag) Alex that she needs to tell me she has arrived certain places, especially when she leaves well before dawn to go to rowing.  She, for a variety of reasons- all interesting, some amusing and some even plausible, regularly forgets.

I worry.  Its what Mums do.

In the last two weeks, I have become a txt stalker.  (see how cool I have become saying txt instead of text?? It's a big step for me!!)

Txt 6.39am "are you there yet?"         Better be, should have been there before six
Txt 7.01pm "So you are upside down in a ditch, I take it?"

Reply 8.21am "I am here.  Sorry i was late"

Two days later- txt 6.47am "So, same ditch or different ditch?"
8.50am  Reply "I txt u when I got to school"                - Yeah right!

The next rowing morning-

txt 6.24 am "there yet?
Txt 7.12am "Kooooszio"
Txt 7.21am "What is that?"  Yes, if you have worked out the pattern, txt means I sent it.     I had sent the weird Koooszio and then asked what it meant.  At that hour of the morning I can't blame the drink!

Next day I was prepared, so as she left I txt her
Txt-5.17am "don't forget to text"
Txt 6.25am "Alex???"
Txt 8.20am "Next time you forget, you lose the car of 3 days, this is not good enough alex"

Then!!  only 3 days later!

Txt 6.16 "so how are you getting to rowing for the next 3 days"

I don't think I am unreasonable (although others in my house do!!!) I think I am winning.

This morning, I got a txt that she had arrived, but no goodbye as she left, just gone.

Then a cryptic txt arrives from Alex at 7.53 "I am sadly walking to skewl"

What the...?????  I ring.
"What?  What is wrong??  Why are you sad??  Why are you sadly walking to school?"  a little panic hysteria creeping in.  I can hear it in my own voice.  Something is wrong!

"No Mum, that should say safely- safely walking to school.  You told me to txt,  I'm txting- I just can't win, can I?"
Damn you auto-correct!!

A Bottle Not Found

I had developed a bit of a 'maybe it is, maybe it isn't' sore throat.  I decided to buy a sipper pump bottle so that I could at least sooth it with frequent drinks, without too much hassle.

I put it in our fridge and in the deep, dark recesses of the night decided it would be just the trick to help me out with the mini microwave burn working away in the back of my throat.  I went to the fridge and......NOT THERE.  I put it there, I knew it was there and yet.....??

Alex had rowing in the morning so that evening I asked her about my sipper bottle.

"Do you know where my water bottle is?"  I ask

"Yes, I have it."

"why do you have it?" 

Teenage logic - " I didn't have one!"

" But it was mine"  I reply

"Yes, but I didn't have one"

"I bought it for myself"

"Yes, but I didn't have one"  eyework that suggest mother is a moron!

"Yes, that's fine, but I bought it for myself"

"But I didn't have one, my old one is wrecked, I didn't have a drink bottle"   all this like she is talking to a half wit, almost whispered, moving up really close.

" I didn't have one"  she says (if she squeezes my cheeks, I swear I will punch her)

"BUT! ITS! MINE!"

"Oh Mum!"  (insert rueful chuckle)  " you just have to learn to ssshhhhaaarrreee!"  All said with the conviction of an Amway soaked, evangelist found, backwater hippy on prozac!  "Just share"  she drawls with a whisper (mostly for dramatic effect) and I have to wonder,  am I being had?  By someone much smarter?  Have the aliens invaded my teenager?

Grand Gestures

I guess because Mothers have always been the solvers of all problems- large, small, imaginary....... it is to Mothers that we turn when it all hits the fan.

Last week Alex was involved in a sports tournament.  The night before she was as organised as could possibly ever be imagined, bags packed, lunch made, drink bottle in the fridge- she was good to go in the morning.  And go she did. 

An hour later by urgent text "forgot lunch'

"I'll bring it"

"water 2"

I decided to ring and talk- it's quicker!

Mother "Oh darling, you were so organised, what a shame, blah, blah"

Child  "Yeah, I know"  After ruling out the buy lunch option-

Mother  "I will bring your lunch to you.  Where are you playing?"

Child  " Waitakere Trust Stadium" 

FOR REAL?????  Imagine, if you will, a city, to the furtherest reaches of the south a mother toils at her job.  At the extreme west end of the city a daughter realises she has forgotten lunch.  Imagine the harbour that means the mother has to go to the centre of the city to then go the the western extreme.....! 

Next grand gesture.  Saturday morning, rowing

Text from strange phone number "my keys are in Hamilton'

"What?"

"on trailer to Hamilton"

How?  What?  Why? again, I phone only this time to a strange number.  Alex answers. 
How?
What?
Why?

Apparently it is 'easier' to just throw your keys on the trailer as you come in to the rowing sheds!!!  The trailer left, on its way to Hamilton.

So my Saturday is shot.  I cancel the vet who is doing a home visit for our ancient cat.  I re-organise the day and take the keys.  When I get there, the gate is locked so I have to walk (as if from South to West)  She is out on the water so I leave the keys with a random coach and hope to heck this is sorted as I race off to do all the jobs lined up.

I have concluded that Mothers are the only people you can go to for the grand gesture, they will bring you your lunch, pick you up if you are sick, deliver spare keys, pick up forgotten phones, buy you things that their best judgement says 'NO'.  Mothers- if you have one, look after them!

Drinking and Driving

This past weekend she was invited to a 16th birthday party.  In my uncool way, I managed to make all things bad!

The big decision related to whether to stay the night at a friends house or to have me pick her up, since she can't drive after 10pm on a restricted.

We discussed options-

"okay, if you pick me up, I can drink"   -what???  where???  when??  Who said anything about drinking????

"What were you planning to drink?"  Cool, non-judgemental, as if THAT was going to happen!!!

"Well, the other kids will be drinking but if I stay at Courtney's, I will have to drive to rowing in the morning, so I won't be able to drink"   Where is this logic coming from??

"how much were you planning to drink?"

"you know that MUM!  you told me I could have 1 beer"  that is true but I had thought she would be at least 35 when that happened!!

"So, (relying on earlier logic) you won't be able to drink if you have to drive to rowing in the morning (that whole 1 beer) so what would you like to do?"

" Well...... if you come and get me, what time will you come?"

"That is easy, the invitation says it finishes at 11.30."

" That doesn't mean you come at 11.30!!"

"In my world it does!!!!"  What is it with kids and time and good manners????

"okay" comes the reply.... " I think I would be better to stay at Courtney's"  BINGO, BULLS EYE and other celebrationery statements!!  Sensible parents collecting her, no drinking because she has to drive the next day and less worry for me about collecting her from the other side of town at close to midnight.  Also- I won't be the uncool parent who arrives at the right time to collect her!!!

"so" I say,  based on earlier teenage logic "you won't be able to have that 1 beer because you have to drive to rowing in the morning and the restricted license is now zero alcohol"

" I KNOW Mum!!  Do you think I don't understand these things?"


I love and value the innocence and know it won't be forever but bless the seriousness of my child!

And All of a Sudden, the Season is Over!

Our last game of the season.  The torture is over!!  :)

It is hard to feel disheartened when the girls in the team are so delightful....... and so oblivious.  I have cut and pasted this report from my game summary back to the sports manager at the school (for your reading pleasure)




We had a fantastic game with Steph scoring her first goal of the season  (with much celebration- even from the boys teams waiting to play next) she was reasonably cool about it, only clapping herself briefly.   Out of no where, Yoanna scored a three pointer!!  Then ran to hug Ashleigh and danced around and then thumbs up to Steph and Alex.  During this celebration the opposition bought the ball in, down the court and scored.  The girls didn’t notice they were too absorbed in their excitement.  In the dying seconds of the game, Alicia scored her first goal of the season and the gymnasium erupted with everyone clapping and cheering and jumping around.   Alicia did a dance of celebration which actually involved her lifting her arms above her head, which has not happened a lot this season and everyone high 5-ed each other- including the opposition.  Alicia’s grin lit up the room for the rest of the time we were there.

The girls were delighted at the end of the game and after much admiration of each others skills and replaying of their best moves, they agreed that this had been the best game of the season.

None of this is made up.  




The score was 77.......................... to 7